Tender Mercies

I had a call from my Renal Clinic in Lima yesterday.  It was my nurse, Sue.  She called with further instructions from Dr. Bryant.  At first it was things I expected like adding iron and vitamin D3 supplements.  Then Sue told me that if my August labs are not stable I will have to get vessel mapping done for either a fistula or graft for dialysis; just in case a transplant does not come through.  I was not expecting that this could happen so soon. It was on my mind no matter how much I tried to dismiss it.

I walk during my lunch break at work so, I pulled out my Walkman and went at it.  It was good for me.  I needed to try to release my nervous energy.  It worked for a little while.  I found myself sending a lot of prayers to Heavenly Father begging and pleading for the function to even out for a while.  I know that prayers are heard and answered; but sometimes that answer is ‘no’.  I trust Him to do what is according to His will and what is best for me.  That being said, I still get frightened.  Not of death; that is not one of my fears; I am afraid of how I am going to manage everything and still be independent.  Also I have always had a fear of dialysis.  I have had it since I first discovered I had PKD and began my research on the disease.  Back in 1987 the outlook was not very good on PKD.  The PKD Research Foundation has come a long way.

I listened to music on my way home it was nice out and the full moon was beautiful.  I was still struggling with the information from earlier in the day.  I felt a prompting to listen to a song written and performed by my friend Kenneth Cope, Your Father’s Child, so I did.  I found myself not just listening but singing along with Kenneth.  My voice was cracking from the emotion I was feeling.  Here are the lyrics:

YOUR FATHER’S CHILD

(written by Kenneth Cope)

Strong and wise—captivating eyes

Magnificent being

Spirit bright, emanating light

Now hid from our seeing

You forget who you are

You, who outshone the stars

Amazing smile

You are your Father’s child

Son of Man, at the Lord’s right hand

Anointed as Savior

Power and grace, filling endless space

Reduced to a manger

He’d forget who He was

He, who outshone the sun

Yet, all the while

He was His Father’s child

Now there were none before or after like Him

He was God with us and is God still

In life and death His love for us defined Him

And to do His Father’s will

And so He came to save

Because you are your Father’s child

Here and now, when the fire goes out

And it keeps you from singing

When sad and gray seem to steal away

All joy and all meaning

When you’re broken in two

When your heart says you’re through

Come alive

You’re still your Father’s child

Find that smile

And be your Father’s child

© 2007God Stories (BMI)

The last verse gave me strength and reminded me that no matter what happens He will be there with me and will walk with or carry me if necessary.  He has always been there for me and has given me SO many miracles.  I have never asked for the disease to be taken away from me as I knew there was a purpose behind it.  I have been so grateful for the all of the tender mercies extended to me.  With the end of renal function in sight now, I want a transplant.  I felt positive about that; I still do.  I think it was just harder to process yesterday. 

I want to be around for my little Nathen and Abigail so much!  Just until they are a little older.  Old enough to understand.  It breaks my heart when Nathen tells me to stay with him and snuggle him.  And when Abbey asks me to rock her and sing my Mimi’s lullaby to her, what a joy!

Until next time....

Deb